I wrote months ago about Thinking Kindness, the ability of my conscience to feel for those in need. Months passed and I can’t seem to fathom why there is a hole in my heart and I cannot stop thinking about it. I feel compassion, but all I ever do is feel. I did not reach the point of actualization. I cannot forever ignore bleeding for the kids in need.
I have a mentally ill cousin, her story was of a neglected child and tormented past. She was conceived out of wedlock, born with all the unwanted feeling in the world. Her mom chose to leave her to Nanay, her sister, so she could look for her place in the sun and earn. I can remember my cousin growing up quiet and timid, she never had an inch of confidence in her. The people around her kept on reminding her everyday how unwanted she is by her mother and the world and that they raised her only because they did not have a choice. It was never an easy childhood.
She had a breakdown years ago, she got depressed. I think she was not able to handle the changes when her mother took her from Nanay, she was a teenager then, and brought her to the City. She had uncontrollable outbursts, all her inhibitions disappeared and she hallucinated of darkness and evil. She was brought to the doctor, diagnosed of depression and was prescribed meds. Since then her life changed. She lived a life inside her mind. The life she would want and would create stories of people and of feelings that were unrequited in real life. Things worsen when she got pregnant. No one knew who the father is.
Today, it’s like a full circle for my aunt. Her daughter is mentally ill with a baby born malnourished. They are literally asking every door for help, including neighbors. I have told my aunt more than once that I can only do so much. The way their life is headed is the path of which she has chosen to go. My father said he cannot go farther than what he had given his sister. I think he is just tired because she asks my father for help all the time but she never listen to him. I feel for my father but I feel for the baby now. I can’t sleep thinking what will happen to the child. What can I do? If I am to be honest to myself, I do not like giving money to my aunt- I once did and they went shopping. The next day she came asking for food. It’s the delimma helping relatives. Familiarity really does breed contempt. I wish I didn’t know their history but compassion knows no bound and doesn’t expect. The child is a different story. An innocent child kept me awake tonight. I just can’t think kindness all the time, I have to act kindness too. I know they should be responsible for their own lives, my aunt is one stubborn woman and her stubborness has already shattered the life of her daughter. I pray I will have the strength needed to start what I have in mind.