Anxiety is eating me whole. I feel very desperate right now and I can feel my inners shaking as I battle through uncertain and very undesirable emotions. I think I need to relax as my lungs and my heart is about to burst- literally. I was certain in what I wanted, I could almost taste it. I battled through negative vibes and I was able to do it or so I imagined. Could it really be just my imagination? I beg to disagree! What am I afraid about? I finally found my joy and now I am enveloped by fear of going back to the old self which in its true essence is being my old self. Life can be very perplexing and I am very tired of having to figure a way out to this empty hole.
I never felt very light and heavy at the same time in my life until I found what I have been wanting to achieve. A piece that would give peace inside. I am happy but with this feeling I am sad that one day this is going to end. I do not believe this should be the way to gain this and I think this is not it yet. I have not fully understood the purpose of my search and its meaning to me because there are still pieces of the puzzle that I have to put together for everything to make sense. I refuse to believe that this is it. The changes or i’ll say the awakening of some part of my senses is just the beginning of me unraveling my inner strength. I have not identified everything that could give me zen and peace because I still find me in the midst of despair and helplessness. I have not separated myself from self grandeur and pride, in the great desire for power and control. If I can find a way to let it go, may be I can find the other puzzle that would lead me to absolute calmness.
There is a reason why this strange feeling is hitting me, because I have never even once at peace with my soul. I still constantly wander around, wanting money, power, a car, a house, a luxurious life-a material life, a restless life. I do not want to die in this state my grace, I want to feel for once absolute stillness in spirit. Unafraid of what will be and just live today. I want this big lump out for good and no one can take it out but the will spirit housing in this body. Move it out, slowly. I am in no hurry for I have my time.