Category Archives: Self Worth

My Happy Struggle

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Anxiety is eating me whole. I feel very desperate right now and I can feel my inners shaking as I battle through uncertain and very undesirable emotions. I think I need to relax as my lungs and my heart is about to burst- literally. I was certain in what I wanted, I could almost taste it. I battled through negative vibes and I was able to do it or so I imagined. Could it really be just my imagination? I beg to disagree! What am I afraid about? I finally found my joy and now I am enveloped by fear of going back to the old self which in its true essence is being my old self. Life can be very perplexing and I am very tired of having to figure a way out to this empty hole.

I never felt very light and heavy at the same time in my life until I found what I have been wanting to achieve. A piece that would give peace inside. I am happy but with this feeling I am sad that one day this is going to end. I do not believe this should be the way to gain this and I think this is not it yet. I have not fully understood the purpose of my search and its meaning to me because there are still pieces of the puzzle that I have to put together for everything to make sense. I refuse to believe that this is it. The changes or i’ll say the awakening of some part of my senses is just the beginning of me unraveling my inner strength. I have not identified everything that could give me zen and peace because I still find me in the midst of despair and helplessness. I have not separated myself from self grandeur and pride, in the great desire for power and control. If I can find a way to let it go, may be I can find the other puzzle that would lead me to absolute calmness.

There is a reason why this strange feeling is hitting me, because I have never even once at peace with my soul. I still constantly wander around, wanting money, power, a car, a house, a luxurious life-a material life, a restless life. I do not want to die in this state my grace, I want to feel for once absolute stillness in spirit. Unafraid of what will be and just live today. I want this big lump out for good and no one can take it out but the will spirit housing in this body. Move it out, slowly. I am in no hurry for I have my time.

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Me and My 2 Left Feet

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I had to work on my rest day because I have to. Hubby did not approve of  it as expected, he never approved of me overworking, who does? Now I can say that when duty calls, sometimes there is nothing I can do but heed. My work is no longer about me, if I would not care of the 700++ employees of the Company where I work then I’d better look for another career. It is personal to me, and I think Human Resource Practice should truly hold the human factor even if it means facing all the criticisms and handling all the drama.

So, there I was in the office doing entries and reviewing my emails. Then Bella called, the call that I have been waiting. We have been talking about going out for weeks but our busy schedule gets in the way all the time. As much as possible I wanted to be just a Mom to Blyf on weekends. I thought I can forget dancing but the more I suppress the feeling, the more I feel depressed and stressed. Dance is such a magical act, it gives me a sense of freedom and leaves me light and happy. I do not care if I am neither graceful nor if I have a pair of left feet. Nothing beats the sweat and the moves, an expression of self like no other. I met Bella at Mango Avenue, we went in w/o anyone checking our bags/asking for a fee. We were with someone who I think has an insider friend. :)) Politics is just around the corner all the time.  It was my first time in that Club, it might be new to me but for everyone it has been their fave since it opened. The place was jam-packed with young people, all wet and wild groovin’ with the beats from the DJ’s tune. The bass was amazing, I can feel me vibrate and my ear waxes move inside.

I moved on top of the chair so I can dance, the floor was too crowded that movement would be impossible. I can clearly see the people around on top, and I see most of them are not there to dance. It’s either they are looking for partners for the night, wanted to be loved and desired even just for one night or healing some broken hearts by looking at some prospects. Some are there just to enjoy the music (?) while drinking, I guess getting drunk can also be a means to an end. That same moment, I moved my finger and touched my wedding ring. Thank God I am married to my husband. I need not look around and hope I pick a decent and good person. If I can call it luck, then good for me.

At exactly 4:30 in the morning, I kissed Bella goodbye to go home. Hubby and I agreed that I should come home at five and besides he did not know I went out dancing with Bella that night so I have to come home earlier than expected so I can tell him I had a great time. I was all sweat but it was worth it.

I went out of the Club feeling refreshed and satisfied, my night was more than what I expected. There were no major hitches besides the guy that annoyingly asked me to dance and offered me drinks which I declined a hundred times. I had to flash my wedding ring on his face just so he would stop. Other than that, I think it went well.

Outside, there were 5 groups of people, drunks, tipsy, sober, drivers, and snatchers. I still have not gotten over my experience at Mango last month when my phone got snatched and then last night I witnessed another snatching event and the thief ran and no one came after him. If that would be the scenario at Mango Avenue say in the next couple of months, people would stop going there eventually. It’s as if I was watching a scene in a movie where the victim’s destiny was written rotten and that it becomes a hopeless scene. What a world we live in.

I came home and ate the remainder of my sandwich, which I brought in with me at the Club and which Bella laughed at. So what? I had my food packed and I enjoyed it!

I slipped myself inside the bed covers feeling full and loved. I hugged my daughter and said goodnight and good morning to her and hubby.