I am not going to lie, my husband is not the first man in my life nor the second. First of all, I was born with a father and although that father was not there half of my life- I owe him most of it. He is not perfect and neither do other fathers. I was not born with a very loving and nurturing family, even the extended ones did not compensate on the loss and pain we had to endure. I am not complaining, my childhood is not that bad like others imagined it was.
At a young age I started looking for belonging. A sense of security and care. At that time I did not know what it was, what I was really looking for. I day dreamed of being an adopted or to be adopted and thinking of it now, I just laugh but looking back I was serious and the feeling was intense.
After college, I felt that I have two opposing poles inside of me. A confident insecure lady, a positive pessimist I was and still am. Sometimes I confuse myself, if I am a good or a bad girl because I can be both. Writing this, I cannot stop laughing. It is like finally knowing myself, and not knowing what to do with it.
Going back to my first few phrases- the reason why I thought of writing this is because I missed the second man in my life. The friend I found and lost. Badik can be emotional, as emotional as I am. We shared the same passion in life or so I thought, we loved questioning the whys and the hows of our existence. He appeared to be someone who knows the deepest thoughts of my heart as if my heart has its own brain. There was no limit to what I share to him because I can be naked in front of him with my clothes on. He is a friend that I prayed would stay forever.
It was not his fault or mine that we needed to separate ways. We ended up not having the same wavelength in terms of our emotional needs. He needed to moved on without me and me without him because the future right at that present moment will have to fulfill its promise and parting ways is a must to make it happen. I did not regret the time we both left the magical union because our friendship could have destroyed us both. It was too good for both of us, or so I thought for me.
I miss him every single day. Don’t get me wrong here, I love my husband more than anything in the world. Maybe, it was that single unforgettable part of my existence that I will meet someone who will help me discover myself and much, much more -only to find out that that is his only purpose and nothing more. Finding oneself will always be a lifetime journey, I can say he brought the big chunk when he decided to be friends with me. I am never gonna forget everything that we shared, even if I was not able to reciprocate any more than what he showed me. Every time I visit his page and of his wife- I see the happiness that me and husband shares. They may have different challenges than we have, I know they love each other so very much. Their little girl just like ours is growing so rapidly and it brought them so much joy and I felt that too with our little Blyf.
Years have passed so quick that we have gotten used to living each day with just memories of our friendship. Badik will always be one of the best part of my life because I learned what others fail to teach.
I miss you Chewbads!