I wrote months ago about Thinking Kindness, the ability of my conscience to feel for those in need. Months passed and I can’t seem to fathom why there is a hole in my heart and I cannot stop thinking about it. I feel compassion, but all I ever do is feel. I did not reach the point of actualization. I cannot forever ignore bleeding for the kids in need.
I have a mentally ill cousin, her story was of a neglected child and tormented past. She was conceived out of wedlock, born with all the unwanted feeling in the world. Her mom chose to leave her to Nanay, her sister, so she could look for her place in the sun and earn. I can remember my cousin growing up quiet and timid, she never had an inch of confidence in her. The people around her kept on reminding her everyday how unwanted she is by her mother and the world and that they raised her only because they did not have a choice. It was never an easy childhood.
She had a breakdown years ago, she got depressed. I think she was not able to handle the changes when her mother took her from Nanay, she was a teenager then, and brought her to the City. She had uncontrollable outbursts, all her inhibitions disappeared and she hallucinated of darkness and evil. She was brought to the doctor, diagnosed of depression and was prescribed meds. Since then her life changed. She lived a life inside her mind. The life she would want and would create stories of people and of feelings that were unrequited in real life. Things worsen when she got pregnant. No one knew who the father is.
Today, it’s like a full circle for my aunt. Her daughter is mentally ill with a baby born malnourished. They are literally asking every door for help, including neighbors. I have told my aunt more than once that I can only do so much. The way their life is headed is the path of which she has chosen to go. My father said he cannot go farther than what he had given his sister. I think he is just tired because she asks my father for help all the time but she never listen to him. I feel for my father but I feel for the baby now. I can’t sleep thinking what will happen to the child. What can I do? If I am to be honest to myself, I do not like giving money to my aunt- I once did and they went shopping. The next day she came asking for food. It’s the delimma helping relatives. Familiarity really does breed contempt. I wish I didn’t know their history but compassion knows no bound and doesn’t expect. The child is a different story. An innocent child kept me awake tonight. I just can’t think kindness all the time, I have to act kindness too. I know they should be responsible for their own lives, my aunt is one stubborn woman and her stubborness has already shattered the life of her daughter. I pray I will have the strength needed to start what I have in mind.
Why Filipino Teleseryes are bad influence? Because they teach people to always expect that heroes have to cry all the time, struggle a lot, be dumb and ignorant for them to be victorious. They communicate to their viewers that suffering is imperative in life and that evil doers are your family members who wants to get hold of what should be yours. You have to eat dirt first and and have all the bad luck in the world. It is very sad and annoying and very outdated. I have seen its ill effect, the grandparents in the house watches them 24/7 and they fight each other and think that the other is plotting some evil plan to make the other miserable. There is enough misery in this world to fill in the hole of our Ozone Layer for heaven’s sake! I just wish they would stop trying to flood the television with all those tears. For once, they should make something that looks intelligently entertaining like the “Imortal”, not that very good but at least it bore substance. Stop the melodrama, it’s not fun to delve into despair.
This is what you get out of boring household conversation and of all-day television watching by the oldies. I hope they would find a better way of waiting for the days and nights to unfold. Something that would have make themselves and others happy.
Just a thought.
Anxiety is eating me whole. I feel very desperate right now and I can feel my inners shaking as I battle through uncertain and very undesirable emotions. I think I need to relax as my lungs and my heart is about to burst- literally. I was certain in what I wanted, I could almost taste it. I battled through negative vibes and I was able to do it or so I imagined. Could it really be just my imagination? I beg to disagree! What am I afraid about? I finally found my joy and now I am enveloped by fear of going back to the old self which in its true essence is being my old self. Life can be very perplexing and I am very tired of having to figure a way out to this empty hole.
I never felt very light and heavy at the same time in my life until I found what I have been wanting to achieve. A piece that would give peace inside. I am happy but with this feeling I am sad that one day this is going to end. I do not believe this should be the way to gain this and I think this is not it yet. I have not fully understood the purpose of my search and its meaning to me because there are still pieces of the puzzle that I have to put together for everything to make sense. I refuse to believe that this is it. The changes or i’ll say the awakening of some part of my senses is just the beginning of me unraveling my inner strength. I have not identified everything that could give me zen and peace because I still find me in the midst of despair and helplessness. I have not separated myself from self grandeur and pride, in the great desire for power and control. If I can find a way to let it go, may be I can find the other puzzle that would lead me to absolute calmness.
There is a reason why this strange feeling is hitting me, because I have never even once at peace with my soul. I still constantly wander around, wanting money, power, a car, a house, a luxurious life-a material life, a restless life. I do not want to die in this state my grace, I want to feel for once absolute stillness in spirit. Unafraid of what will be and just live today. I want this big lump out for good and no one can take it out but the will spirit housing in this body. Move it out, slowly. I am in no hurry for I have my time.