“Free-spirited. I was. Forgotten? Nope. Set Aside, yes. I cannot let go of my past because it’s what defines who I am today. Yet, after a long walk and few nods -to answer questions; I felt a stranger hit me and that stranger was me. I cannot let go of my past because I was becoming someone I dreaded to be in my future. I wrote this note in the hope that I would know where I lost my freedom and when. Was it when I decided to get married? or was it when I decided to be swept away by this so-called Love. You see, I do believe that a lot of people get married because they love each other but there are also people who don’t get married because they love each other too much and that piece of legality will shatter them both instead. The love that my husband gave me saved me from the all too tiring delusions and of waiting. But marriage killed my freedom and spontaneity. I am all throughout guilty of dragging two most important people in my life to an unknown abyss and of my unstable emotions. I feel like drowning, grasping for air and all Im getting is polluted air from the toxic winds. I am swirling and walking in a spiral steps, supposed to be heading somewhere but all I see are more steps above and a dizzying view down below. My mental health is in the verge of collapse, I can feel it destroying my body and all its physical aspect. I think no one and nothing can ever compensate on the complexities of my thoughts sometimes. I am amused to know that most often I find myself missing my alone time, walking down the crowded familiar and unfamiliar streets. Many have told me that inorder to be happy I have to let go of a few freedom but what I have learned is that putting an “s” after freedom is a grammatical error. I feel a hopeless soul engulfed my being today, unsure if the redundancy of marriage or the significant nonsense that goes with it is worth praying for. All I know is that I need to get out, I dont know what circumstances is putting in the heads of the people that I dreaded to be in my existence, it is killing me. Literally.”
The above post just reminded me of those not so wonderful moments in marriage, and i can say-it makes me feel normal and alive. Me and my husband hits the waves sometimes, and we are glad that up to date we are still swimming and not drowning.
As they say, Aja! 🙂