I wrote months ago about Thinking Kindness, the ability of my conscience to feel for those in need. Months passed and I can’t seem to fathom why there is a hole in my heart and I cannot stop thinking about it. I feel compassion, but all I ever do is feel. I did not reach the point of actualization. I cannot forever ignore bleeding for the kids in need.
I have a mentally ill cousin, her story was of a neglected child and tormented past. She was conceived out of wedlock, born with all the unwanted feeling in the world. Her mom chose to leave her to Nanay, her sister, so she could look for her place in the sun and earn. I can remember my cousin growing up quiet and timid, she never had an inch of confidence in her. The people around her kept on reminding her everyday how unwanted she is by her mother and the world and that they raised her only because they did not have a choice. It was never an easy childhood.
She had a breakdown years ago, she got depressed. I think she was not able to handle the changes when her mother took her from Nanay, she was a teenager then, and brought her to the City. She had uncontrollable outbursts, all her inhibitions disappeared and she hallucinated of darkness and evil. She was brought to the doctor, diagnosed of depression and was prescribed meds. Since then her life changed. She lived a life inside her mind. The life she would want and would create stories of people and of feelings that were unrequited in real life. Things worsen when she got pregnant. No one knew who the father is.
Today, it’s like a full circle for my aunt. Her daughter is mentally ill with a baby born malnourished. They are literally asking every door for help, including neighbors. I have told my aunt more than once that I can only do so much. The way their life is headed is the path of which she has chosen to go. My father said he cannot go farther than what he had given his sister. I think he is just tired because she asks my father for help all the time but she never listen to him. I feel for my father but I feel for the baby now. I can’t sleep thinking what will happen to the child. What can I do? If I am to be honest to myself, I do not like giving money to my aunt- I once did and they went shopping. The next day she came asking for food. It’s the delimma helping relatives. Familiarity really does breed contempt. I wish I didn’t know their history but compassion knows no bound and doesn’t expect. The child is a different story. An innocent child kept me awake tonight. I just can’t think kindness all the time, I have to act kindness too. I know they should be responsible for their own lives, my aunt is one stubborn woman and her stubborness has already shattered the life of her daughter. I pray I will have the strength needed to start what I have in mind.
I have had no problem facing challenges, I just have great difficulty dealing with certain issues I shouldn’t have to. For once, my marriage is blissful. The extenders are the ones not really in sync with us I think. I wanted to believe I am doing good with ignoring unnecessarily snarled comments, I had a good moment-for a period of time. I was even thinking of perfecting it but then there are just things I cannot control. So in lieu of the Philippine Independence Day, I will write it all, and then simply forget and continue seeking joy.
Like the pouring of the rain, what I go through now feels the same, the water is necessary for living things to grow but why is it that many avoid it and I want to avoid it too.I always wish that one day we will be free of these people who just cannot settle for what they have. I know I should feel for them but I just can’t get it when they want me to be miserable like them. So what if I cannot perfect their cleaning methods? It is not my fault that I am kissed while they are being disliked. I just wanted my days to pass laughing with my daughter and my husband. Is that too much to ask? I am thankful that they take care of my daughter but for once let me get it straight, I did not ask for them to do so. I wanted to get a nanny, they refused. When I go to work, I don’t play there or sleep- so please do not look at me as if I was out having a good time while you ran around the house with my child. I would love to be a housewife, that if I do not live in that house. But then again, it would also be impractical. I do not count the things I buy for the children in my life and that includes my nephews and nieces so if you buy stuff for my daughter, thank you but please do not count them all the time as if they will disappear in an instant, if they do disappear do not worry, I would have them replaced. I think I can afford it. I can provide for her. Besides, why shouldn’t we give the things she no longer needs? What are we supposed to do with those? Laminate them?I have silenced my self for the longest and I know it would not help if I succumb to this feeling. I feel stupid and lowly. I think I would just pray and think of happy thoughts, but I wonder why happy thoughts are so difficult to call at these hours.Our culture is just too much to bear sometimes, I did not regret being married to a half chinito, it’s just that we were raised quite differently. I embraced the freedom fighter club while secretly seeking peace within. I cannot be a constant anti-extenders, I also feel how it is to keep loving our origins- our parents. But we have to gracefully let go of our children at some point and I hope they will see that too.
I wish I do not have to go home to that house. It is not a home for me. Right now, in all inches of my being-I wanted to scream for them ruining my aura. So, I am crying my self out here in the hopes that I will empty out all the negative feelings I have inside and move on with life.
Life is still great.