Freedom

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I have had no problem facing challenges, I just have great difficulty dealing with certain issues I shouldn’t have to. For once, my marriage is blissful. The extenders are the ones not really in sync with us I think. I wanted to believe I am doing good with ignoring unnecessarily snarled comments, I had a good moment-for a period of time. I was even thinking of perfecting it but then there are just things I cannot control. So in lieu of the Philippine Independence Day, I will write it all, and then simply forget and continue seeking joy.

Like the pouring of the rain, what I go through now feels the same, the water is necessary for living things to grow but why is it that many avoid it and I want to avoid it too.I always wish that one day we will be free of these people who just cannot settle for what they have. I know I should feel for them but I just can’t get it when they want me to be miserable like them. So what if I cannot perfect their cleaning methods? It is not my fault that I am kissed while they are being disliked. I just wanted my days to pass laughing with my daughter and my husband. Is that too much to ask? I am thankful that they take care of my daughter but for once let me get it straight, I did not ask for them to do so. I wanted to get a nanny, they refused. When I go to work, I don’t play there or sleep- so please do not look at me as if I was out having a good time while you ran around the house with my child. I would love to be a housewife, that if I do not live in that house. But then again, it would also be impractical. I do not count the things I buy for the children in my life and that includes my nephews and nieces so if you buy stuff for my daughter, thank you but please do not count them all the time as if they will disappear in an instant, if they do disappear do not worry, I would have them replaced. I think I can afford it. I can provide for her. Besides, why shouldn’t we give the things she no longer needs? What are we supposed to do with those? Laminate them?I have silenced my self for the longest and I know it would not help if I succumb to this feeling. I feel stupid and lowly. I think I would just pray and think of happy thoughts, but I wonder why happy thoughts are so difficult to call at these hours.Our culture is just too much to bear sometimes, I did not regret being married to a half chinito, it’s just that we were raised quite differently. I embraced the freedom fighter club while secretly seeking peace within. I cannot be a constant anti-extenders, I also feel how it is to keep loving our origins- our parents. But we have to gracefully let go of our children at some point and I hope they will see that too.

I wish I do not have to go home to that house. It is not a home for me. Right now, in all inches of my being-I wanted to scream for them ruining my aura. So, I am crying my self out here in the hopes that I will empty out all the negative feelings I have inside and move on with life.

Life is still great.

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2 responses »

  1. I feel for you. Yet, it takes time and practice to ignore the negas. Even though I’ve been in the business 7 years now, I still feel the sting sometimes especially if it’s about me-being-me and being a mother to my kids. Now they’re into my line of work, dang. One thing I’m quite sure: if I don’t have a job, I better go home. Having a job is like a qualification to become a wife/mother/member of their family. I have never felt I am part of their family–it’s a good thing I don’t want to otherwise, I’d look like a moron trailing behind them and doing what they want.

    They’re just trying to weaken your spirit–they really don’t know what to do next. Anyways, just do your thing and keep ignoring :)

    I always believe in you and that goodness in your big heart.

    Always seize the day and be a Clara when necessary.
    :)

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